Being a Shaman.

I am shaman.

For many years now I have told people that I walk a shamanic path, that I practice shamanism, or simply that I’m pagan without any other qualifiers. Among the many reasons for doing so is the fact that the words “shaman” and “shamanism” are sometimes hotly debated terms. Some people seem to want to claim them as belonging only to a group of people who are specifically trained by an existing shaman in a specific culture. Others say basically that anyone can practice shamanism if they simply want to. Still others are adamant that their beliefs are not shamanic at all. I never wanted to be part of that debate, and I never really wanted to write this particular article.

Another reason is that, for many years, I felt as if I was only learning, not ready to do more than practice some of what I’d discovered on myself. Yes, there are things I’ve been able to do for a long time. Talk to the spirits that are everywhere. Sense people’s emotional states. Feel the natural energy of the world around me. Send energy into things with purpose; to heal, to aid, to protect. But I didn’t feel like I understood enough to do more than little helpful things. I didn’t feel ready.

And there is the widely held belief that a “real” shaman doesn’t claim the title. Partly, that’s because it’s not very humble to call yourself a shaman, a person who should be looked up to. Partly, it’s because in many cultures that’s a title bestowed by the shaman who taught you and/or the people you serve. Mostly, I think, it’s because a “real” shaman understands that it’s not exactly a wonderful thing to actually be. If you don't claim it, it might not be real.

And the last is simply that the spirits who guided me along my winding journey made it clear that it was not right for me to do so. That has changed.

I’ll get back to the spirits. First let me address the other reasons.

“Shaman” is a term being used currently to refer to people who use altered states of consciousness to communicate with spirits. Maybe they do other things, too, but that's what's basic. “Shamanism” is being used to refer to a wide variety of practices that have in common the belief that spirits are everywhere (or almost everywhere) and certain people can interact with them. If you’d like to trace down where it came from and which groups of people are applying it to themselves feel free to type it into a search engine. Give yourself time for the research. There’s a lot of it, and that’s not counting the word itself. For the sake of simplicity I’ll explain what I mean by shamanism.

• Spirits (or energy beings, or the divine, or the Force, or the interaction of quarks, or woo woo or the million gods) are in everything, every bit of matter and energy everywhere.
• All things are connected because the spirits (by whatever name) are all connected, the energy is all one.
• All people can perceive these spirits (or whatever you want to call them) to some extent, but often choose to ignore them. Mostly, I think, because it's confusing to do so. But the world of the spirits overlaps ours in the same way that the dimension of time interacts with the three physical dimensions that we refer to as space. (Look up string theory or m theory.)
• Tapping into that all one spiritual collective gives you information you wouldn't necessarily have access to when looking only at our perceived physical world (which may exist only because we spirits agree that it does). Everyone's interface for doing so is different mostly because of the language (words, or cultural overlay, or belief system, or ingrained thought pattern) we choose to use to try to describe the experience.
• Everything changes, even matter, even energy. The connected world stays connected but it is in constant motion, going from one state to another. We can navigate those moving currents or we can attempt to fight them, but we can’t change the fact that everything changes.

That’s all there is to it. That doesn’t mean I don’t have quite a few beliefs about what life’s all about and what an ethical person should do with all that spiritual energy, if anything. If they can even feel it at all. That’s all part of my own cultural overlay - the way I choose to perceive the great connected everything. Those are subjects for many other writings and some long conversations, because, believe it or not, they are changing too.

Let’s move on to readiness. I want to address this because I still don’t feel ready. There’s still a lot for me to learn. I haven’t perfected techniques, I get confused at some of the messages spirits give me, and that emotion reading thing doesn’t work all the time. Some days, I don’t feel very energetic. And I still get sick, which some people say is a sign that I’m just not doing the energy work right. But none of that matters, because everything is changing. All the time. I don’t have to know all the answers, I just need to know how to work with the spirits, the energy, and the way things change. That’s it.

As for what other people think about shamans who actually claim the title, well, they’re right. It’s not humble, it’s not a great thing to be, and it should be bestowed. Wait, what? Look. If you call yourself a shaman but no one thinks you’re a shaman, then it really doesn’t matter what you call yourself because no one will treat you like a shaman. The title has to come from somewhere. For me, it comes from the spirits, from the connected oneness of everything. I am the Creator’s shaman, exactly the person the Creator wants me to be. And what does that mean?

It means that I get to really sense the spirit world and the emotions of people around me, in great detail and sometimes with a hell of a lot of noise. It’s beyond confusing, most of the time. And worse, since most people are busy ignoring the parts of it they can sense, when I talk about it it sounds like I’m talking about imaginary things. There aren’t words for it all, and the close approximations sound, well, woo woo. I get to sound crazy for attempting to communicate it all, when I try to. Lucky me. So I either don’t talk about it (what I’ve done most of my life) or I accept that most people are going to choose to keep me (the crazy person) at arm’s length or further. Very lonely. Does that maybe explain why those chosen by the spirits as shaman don’t want to claim the title?

But there’s more. It means those spirits who can communicate with me can ask me to do things for them in this material plane. Thank everything that I get free choice about that, right? I can make bargains with those spirits so my life here is better. I’ll be healthy, wealthy and wise. Well? I’m waiting. And I’ll keep right on waiting because I am shaman, and the spirits chose me, not the other way around. My free choice was to either agree not to fight what the spirits want me to do or go crazy for real. Crazy as in self destructively psychotic.

So what do I need to do to stay sane? Mother Earth wants her servant to assist others in dealing with disease and injury and hardship, and I learn by catching pretty much everything and getting hurt. A lot. And I’m not talking just about physical illness and injury. I have a nice big tool box for dealing with such things now. Father Sky wants his energy worker to not talk about what he wants in this format. I’ve said somewhere before that he’s a harsh taskmaster, and I’ll leave it at that. Creator requires that I continue to learn, continue to grow, continue to listen to the spirits, continue to be the bridge I was transformed into. And maybe teach what I’ve learned to others who need to know. I have vows to keep, but I’m not required to share them. I am required to call myself shaman, claim the title, nevermind how other people choose to take that.

Before this devolves into a pity party I need to say that the greatest ecstasy I’ve ever felt was from moving energy at the command of the spirits. The greatest joys I’ve known have been from listening to the spirits as they help me help someone get through a hard time. My greatest comfort comes from understanding that everything changes, a knowledge that I have because I searched where spirits pointed me.

And my life has love, light, and a sincere appreciation for this world and the people and spirits in it. It comes from awareness of all the beautiful variations of all the beings (even me) who are connected to everything. The patterns are awe inspiring, exhilarating, glorious. I would wish you could see them all, but the price is pretty steep. And that’s okay because this world around us is beautiful, too. Enjoy that. Enjoy this life we’re living, this place we’re living on, and these people who surround us. I’ll be here to talk to the spirits for you, to journey to the spirit world seeking what was lost, to assist if you need it or want it, to teach you if you'd like to learn.

I am dwolf34. I am Reverend Wolfie. I am Di. I am Mother Earth’s servant, Father Sky’s energy worker, and the Creator’s shaman.

Father Sun's Energy Worker

When I renewed my vows this past Winter Solstice, I didn't realize how much would change. Oracle warned me changes were coming, sure. Wolf my Guide gave me the clue that I needed to get out and meet people, to get out of my cave. Remembering the significance of that string of beads around my neck wasn't a coincidence.

But my service to Mother has been a gentle, almost kind guidance; a few things I was moved to do and more I was nudged to learn. I was not prepared for Father's sudden attention. He is a much more demanding top, to say the least. And if what happened the other day on a windy bluff is any indication, He's not willing to allow me to take my time and figure things out on my own. He will show me the changes He wants by making them and requiring me to upkeep them. Period. The response I am allowed is "yes sir".

Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. I may have been called to this service, but I also gave myself willingly. There's the possibility that I might not have survived if I'd rejected the calling, but I embraced it. I have placed one foot in front of the other on this path I'm on of my own free will. I believe that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my life. That doesn't mean I'm totally comfortable with what's happening right now.

On the twentieth of December, 2012 (just so I don't forget the date), I lit my altar candles at dusk. I said my thanks, put on some quiet music and sat down to work on that Winter Solstice poem I put in an older post here. It came together easily, like so many of the important things do. And as I sat admiring the blue of it, the real significance hit me. I meant every word,  from describing the day's meaning to the peace my vows give me. I contemplated that. I mulled it and eventually wrote about it all over the place, happy in my collar, in my service, for the first time in a very long time.

That evening, the twentieth, I was changed by Them for the first time in a very long time. First came a rush of energy that left me a bit dizzy, but so calm and peaceful that it wasn't frightening. Then came the change, small but significant, gentle but firm. Oddly, I'm reluctant to describe exactly what was done, as if it's a test for those who meet me, or a sign to them. So if you do meet me, feel free to remark on it. I floated on the feeling of it all for days.

There have been other changes. Oracle once gave me subtle answers that required thought. Now I'm getting some answers that are as blunt as a stick thumping my thick skull and some so ambivalent as to be incomprehensible. Almost as though the answer is "that's not worth your attention right now." Instructions are sometimes given to me in clear words, although I do still get the intuitive urges I'm more used to. And for the first time I am required to meditate daily - forgetting means being woken in the middle of the night to do so in a less than comfortable way.

Father is a demanding top.

"Drive there" was accompanied by a clear memory image of where He wanted me. "Walk that direction" wasn't a suggestion. "Stop here," "sit" and "be still" didn't leave much to the imagination, either. But even though I didn't know how far I was supposed to go, I was allowed to take my walking stick, and although the answer to "sit how long?" was "however long it takes" the place chosen for me was comfortably grassy with a cedar tree for a back rest. And even though it was a cold and windy day on the bluff, the sun was bright and warm. I was allowed no questions, no choices but where to rest the stick. He gave instructions and I followed them. And he shifted my personal shields in a way I still don't totally understand two days later.

I had a moment or two of fear when I felt the changes happen. I was urged to trust, and I do, but I'm not sure my comfort was necessary. Later that day I read some of Raven Kaldera's words on being a god slave and I'm even more grateful for the comforts I was offered on that bluff. This path, this new type of service is a bit more scary than I'm used to. I'm being led gently into it, I know. The horseshoe in my old dream vision is gaining a new bit of significance, too, and the thought of being the horse for my Owners is frightening. But I trust, and if and when I'm set that task I will open my mouth for the metaphorical bit and stand still for whatever rider my Owners choose.

I chose to serve. I suppose I could unchoose - quit this service altogether. I won't, but I have that much free will. Past that, I am and will be whatever my Owners say, and I will be the best whatever I can be, learn what I'm led to and take the comfort I am offered. I know soul deep that my path would be harder to walk if I resisted even some of Their will. I choose not to.

This is not the path for everyone. I'm not sharing this as any sort of "how to" manual. I'm even sure that other divine owners won't treat their property like mine have, won't require the same things of them and won't allow (or sometimes require) them to write so freely about the process. If you walk a similar path, though, maybe you'll recognize some of this. Maybe it will help you to accept what's going on in your own journey. Maybe it will be a contrast for your journey and you can shake your head at me and tell me I have it easy. Say it loud, though. I have scars on my eardrums, remember. All part of the process.

Each time I've sat down to write an entry for this blog journal, I've been encouraged to do so, and even prompted with a subject once or twice. Today I sat down with the intent to say what's been on my mind since that very still hour I spent on a bluff. Father is a demanding top, and that thought makes me smile even as I worry just a bit about the work He is preparing this tool for. And the answering fond chuckle I hear in response to that sentiment is as good as the hand in my hair my submissive side craves to feel.

I am content to be owned by deities I trust. I accept the fact that I am being reshaped by them again. And I hope your journey is easier than mine.

Love, peace and comfort to you all.