To Live Between

I live between. Between the world and the sky. Between the spirits and the people. Between man and woman. Between carnal and ascetic. Between dominant and submissive. Between teacher and student. Between body, mind and spirit. Between Mother, Father and Creator. Between the North, South, East and West. Between Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Wood.

I could go on, but that’s enough.

It’s not a perfect middle, this place where I’m at. I look like a woman, sometimes think like one and even rarely act like one. My contact with the spirits is often brief, and contact with people only sometimes longer. I am far more submissive in one world than the other. I stand strong between two or three or sometimes four realities and begin to waver among more. I feed my pleasures more often than my denials. My body is a bit overweight and my spirit a bit underfed. But I’m still between, still here, still touching more edges of things than most do.

And this is my place. Not dominant or submissive, but both and neither. Not male or female, but both and neither. Not only my Mother’s servant, but also my Father’s energy worker and my Creator’s shaman. And nothing at all; an empty bowl, a hollow bone, a blank page, a silent room. This is what it means to be shaman, to be me, to walk this path I’m on.

When you need to speak, I’ll strive to listen. When there is something for you to hear, I will talk. When you ask for help, I will seek it for you. If you ask a question, I’ll give you the best answer I have. When you need my focus, you will have all of it. And more often than not, I’ll respond to what you most need, either bringing out that side of myself for you or leading you to see that you need it.

But know this, too. When Mother needs me, I am hers to command. When the spirits tell me to wait, I do. When my feet itch to walk, I walk. If I am distracted, there is probably a reason. And if I give you a feather, a rock, a bone, a book, there is probably a reason for that, too. If I don’t seem to be acting the way you want, then there’s a reason for that, too, even if I might not be aware of it.

There is peace and joy in this life between, so much that it overwhelms me at times. Is there any wonder that I try to stay here, to continue this path, to do what those I have given myself to tell me to do? Even though I live between, confuse people around me and make few strong ties because of it. Even though so many things in my life are only things I’m holding for someone else. Even though the needs of others so often come before my own. Even though I gain new scars along with the experiences I’m given to grow from. Even though I end up explaining things to death and spending a lot of time examining my own self. Even though it may mean that I can’t belong to the pack I still long for. Every time I open my senses, still the chattering monkey brain, and simply feel where I am, I know that this is my place of harmony. That I am meant to live between.

Maybe all that made some things about me clear for you. Maybe it just muddied the waters more or ensured that you think I’m a total nut case. You can ask and I’ll try to explain, if you’d like. But if you understand, if you’ve been here, or are on this path yourself, I hope that you’ll talk to me. It’s a wonder filled path, but lonely, too. I know. I’m here. And I’ve taken this step.